I used to be able to cope with long term unemployment and being home alone for extended periods of time. Facebook ruined that. For MONTHS I’ve been carpet bombing Facebook with miserable complaining. In the past, I’d have coped differently. FB is the path of least resistance. I’m sure I’ve alienated/lost “friends” over it and I’m pretty sure the ones that haven’t deleted/blocked me, have blocked me from their feed. I could get all emo wangsty cranky pants about it and say that everyone goes away in the end. Or I could put on my big girl pants, stfu and deal with it. It’ll take a while, but eventually I’ll get my coping skills back to where they need to be. Until then, I’m going to be in my head for the long haul. Awesome.

HA! You know what’s hilarious? I’ve been unemployed so much that I used to have coping skills. XD 

I don’t believe in god, but I need to force myself to believe in something. These daily panic attacks about my mortality really suck. I like the idea of reincarnation. I had one of those “I must have known this guy in a past life.” moments today. I interviewed with an employment agency today and instead of going into “interview mode” I teased and joked around with the branch manager of the staffing agency. I wasn’t hitting on him or flirting with him, but something about him just set me at ease.

I told him I should change my middle name to Princess Fightmaster. At the end of the interview I thanked him for being “sufficiently adequate”.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if it wasn’t reincarnation but rather I was over taking myself so seriously?

If you know me, you know that I haven’t been happy for a long time. I’ve spent years trying to figure out what will make happy and it seems like it’s been more of an odyssey into all that WON’T. Here’s what doesn’t work:

• Booze
• Drugs (except Vicodin)
• Shopping
• Food

While I may not have a road map to happiness, here’s what makes me feel better:

• Getting rid of stuff
• playing sports and games with friends
• taking care of myself
• traveling
• experiences off the beaten path
• cultural events (museums, theater, etc)

Didn’t intent to set out on this, but fuck it. I’m tired of busting my ass and mental health trying to jump onto the work-spend-work-spend middle class bandwagon. I don’t need STUFF. I need food, shelter, health insurance and money to travel. 

Let’s face it. I’m 35. I’m never going to be balls-out-awesome rich. The notion of “work hard and your dreams can come true” is bullshit the wealthy have told the middle class to keep them satisfied with the illusion of success.

Frankly, I don’t want to play anymore. 

So, I’m giving my toys away and forging my own path. I might not be happy, but I’ll be happier than I am now. 

How am I doing this? 

The 100 challenge. (google it) Apart from books, tools and shared items - whittle all my other possessions down to 100 items or less. You have NO IDEA how much stuff you own until you move…or start to get rid of it all. Nine years in a house is a LOT of time to accumulate crap. And it IS crap. Instead of running out and buying something new, I started looking through what I’ve got on hand. Apart from food, I’m pretty much all set with everything else. It’ll be a challenge to unlearn my middle class/american programming of CONSUME EVERYTHING IN MASS QUANTITIES but I’m working on it. 

Change isn’t impossible. It’s just a matter of doing it. 

I’m so bored and restless it feels like I’m going to molt. I’m losing my fucking mind! I’m going apeshit because I feel like I need to do something, but nothing is doing the trick. I almost set up an ok cupid account because I’m THAT bored. I’ve tried reading, writing, cleaning, running errands (with the little cash I have) and none of it helps. I’ve tried chatting with almost every friend that happened to pop online and that didn’t help either. Feels like something’s missing. What ISN’T missing? I’m unemployed, single & broke. I found myself looking at camping trailers because I just want to run away. Maybe. I don’t even know. It feels like nothing’s going to get better or worse, that everything’s going to be the same forever. I need to not be my own company for a long time. I’m even boring myself! *runs around with arms flailing*

I’d drink more but I can’t afford the calories.

HALP!

Monday I’m trucking my broke ass down to the Department of Transitional Assistance to get some food stamps. If it’s anything like last time (I can’t even fucking believe this is like, my THIRD fucking time. Fuck you, worthless piece of shit English Degree. FUCK YOU.) I’ll end up with about $5.35 a day for food. I’ve begun thinking of how I’m going to manage this. I could go the hot dog, mac & cheese and ketchup route, but I’ve worked too hard to drop the weight I’ve lost and I’d like to continue on that path. I may have fucked my life in college, but I’ll be damned if I cut my life short too! So, here’s the challenge: eat healthy, organic & balanced meals on $5 a day. It’s a safe to assume that if I don’t go full blown vegetarian, my meat intake will be greatly limited. Eggs are a CHEAP source of protein, but I’m concerned about eating 2-3 eggs a day. Maybe it’ll be alright in the short term, especially since my diet consists mostly of fruits and veggies.

HA! I just caught that pun. Nice.

Can I be brutally honest for a minute? I’m really sick and tired of pretending that being unemployed, out of unemployment and chipping away at my pathetic droplet of retirement savings doesn’t suck a giant bag of goat balls. I’m spending almost as much energy acting like I’m fine as I do looking for work. No one likes a Debbie Downer, including myself, but I’ve got to tell you - it’s EXHAUSTING. Living in the nullspace between adolescence and adulthood BLOWS. Apparently I’ve spent my entire life preparing to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force all day while looking for work. This pernicious feeling of life-long colossal failure is only going to go away when I have a career, a place of my own and money in the bank. Until then, every waking moment is a struggle to not succumb to anger and self-loathing. From the time I wake up until the time I go to bed, all I see when I close my eyes is a giant clock counting down until I die. Each moment feels like life wasted. Everyday at home is another day’s income lost. I look at my friends who have their shit together and start to believe that’s not meant for me. I’m not saying this to be super dramatic emo girl who pisses on everyone’s parade. I want so desperately to be over this. The stress, the frustration, the anger - all of it. The only thing that can fix it - is the one thing that’s beyond my control. I can bedazzle my resume to hell and back and shoot ping pong balls out of my ass while lassoing the moon in interviews, but the decision to hire me is not something I can control.

I’ll be back to my snarky, asshole self in no time. But right now I’m going to listen to the Downward Spiral and regret getting my feelings out on Facebook.

Don’t hate me because I’m emo. Hate me because the Final Countdown is now stuck in your head.

Oh. That guy.

doctorgirlfriend: #DeadlyButterfly @honeythunder here - call me Nightshade <3